how to be a supportive friend - OIT Day #8

We had a regular OIT day, nothing to report except I may go broke buying movies to get through rest time. Today we purchased and watched Rio 2 on Amazon Video. Cute movie if you liked the first one!

What I do want to talk about is hard for me to write about. I want to talk about how to be a supportive friend to someone who has a food allergy child. It's difficult to write because I don't want to be perceived as needy or asking for these things personally. Or calling out friends that do or don't do what I am about to mention. Sure, I have been let down, we all have with friendships, but I do have some amazing, supportive friends! They check in and offer to help with my oldest when I have to take my food-allergy son to the doctor. The past week I have been so grateful for my friends.

My long-term goal is to use my voice to help others outside of the food allergy community. There is support out there for families living with food allergies, but less positive resources for those who sit on the outside, but have a friend, co-worker, or neighbor impacted by food allergies.

Let's first be crystal clear. I am not talking about family in this post. Family is a completely different topic.

We all know what it's like to see someone struggling--or just going through a tough time--and you don't quite know exactly the best thing to say or what to do. Often times we use a general, blanket statement like, "I'm so sorry, please let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Or, perhaps we say something like, "I'm here for you, day or night, just call me." We all say these things, myself included!

These are all really nice things to say to someone, and let's be clear about something else, I'm NOT knocking those statements, but I am here to help you do better. Be the friend that the one who is struggling will remember a year from now or 5 years from now. 

Supportive friends say similar things as mentioned above, but then they go a step further. Here are some examples:

Example #1:
Let's say your friend's child had a severe allergic reaction and she is scared.

First you would say whatever is authentic to the situation. Something like, "I'm so sorry this is a tough time right now for you. You must be scared to leave your child's side. Please know that I am always here to listen, (day or night), run an errand for you or if you just want to get out of the house and do something for an hour or two, with or without the kids."

Now you are the exceptionally supportive friend so you will not wait for the struggling friend to call and redeem the offer. Text one morning and again on another night and ask "How are things? How is your child doing? How are you feeling about it all?" Asking the question gives the person the opportunity to talk and vent if they desire. And you do that often, checking in, asking questions. When a person asks specifics like "How did you feel when your child was reacting?" that opens the door for a conversation instead of the "How are you?" and getting the reply of "We're doing okay, thanks for asking." Listen to your friend and respond. Ask more questions. Questions show you are actually interested in learning how she is feeling and why she is feeling that way.

Then, next time you are going to the store, send your friend a message and say, "I'm running to the grocery store, can I pick up any allergy friendly goodies or a coffee for you?" If you know the allergies and something that is safe, pick up something without asking and drop it on her doorstep. Add a magazine or something for her and just tell her you were thinking of her.

One of the hardest things can be getting your friend to do something. She may not be ready to leave her child in fear of another reaction. Ask her if you can bring over coffee and just hang there with her. Ask her if she wants to meet a park with the kids. Ask her if she wants to go to Target when the kids are asleep. Whatever it is, ask her to do something. If she says no, try again another time.

Example #2:
Your friend is starting OIT with her child and it's nerve wracking. To top it off, she is alone. (I don't know where I came up with that example? Although my husband is back now.)

Emergencies. Blah. Yuck. Double blah. Food allergy families plan for food allergy emergencies. I personally role play in my head so I'm not scrambling in the emergency. Some of my favorite things friends have said to me have been to show me they are okay being the person I call in an emergency. Friends have said...
"I will drop whatever is going on and come if you need me."
"I am going to turn my ringer on tonight, and loud. So call me if you need me to come over."
"If you have to go to the hospital, I will take your older son here so he doesn't have to go too."

I have an amazing friend and fellow food-allergy mama that often checks on me when my husband is gone. It's sweet! Do that stuff. 

Good friends make you feel supported and that you have back up in an emergency. It's never good to feel alone.

And if your friend is starting OIT, ask her if she wants to borrow some DVDs or ask if she wants to borrow some books/games/puzzles to make the mandatory rest period more fun. See something at the dollar store? Put together a rest time bag for the child with little, calm activities. Ask if she needs help during the up-dosing appointments.

Example #3:
You are having a party and want to invite your friend and her food allergy child to the party.

It's all in the communication and start early. "Hey friend! I am having a party and would love it if you and your child would come. But I want to make sure it's safe for him/her. Can we talk about what I can do to help you to be able to come and enjoy the party?"

Now ideally you do this as early as you know you are having the party. If the child is anaphylactic to a food and it's possible to avoid the allergen then simply say, "I am happy to avoid peanuts on the menu." 

I had a friend invite us to a party and she said, "We will have no peanuts on the menu." It was that simple. We brought our own food for our food-allergy child because of the cross-contamination risk, but we felt comfortable attending. Then when we arrive her husband told us he made sure not to feed the kids peanut butter that day and they wiped the counters. A hug was appropriate in that situation.

Now know that some people may not tell you anything as they don't want to be a burden. So you may have to pry. How can I accommodate the menu? Should I wipe anything down? 

We went on a park playdate once and the sitter who organized it texted all the moms going and asked them not to serve their kids peanut butter before they came. More hugs!

Going above and beyond in little ways says SO MUCH.

Please comment below with any comments or questions on supporting food-allergy families. There are many more examples for future posts. 

If you read this far, you are a supportive friend. Thank you! Love you!